When the grief doesn’t end and doubles down…

Hello Lovely humans,

It has been quite awhile since I’ve last wrote and for that I am sorry but I truly haven’t had the time nor the headspace.

These past several months have been both hard and heavy, though I feel I carry it pretty well it does not make it any less arduous. Being a healthcare provider during a global pandemic is rough. It is extra and long hours, it is multiple growing considerations, there is an expectation to be productive as if nothing has happened. It is a lot. Please remember we too are humans. We have families that are changing, aging, dying and living. We have additional responsibilities like everyone else in tis weird and crazy world.

I write this blog because I am grieving. I am opening mourning family members I have lost, patient’s I have cared for, and family members I am losing. Losing day by day, moment by moment, they are slipping away from my life. Quietly, silently and I currently cannot go see them, as LTC has limitations on visitors. I appreciate why this is, as to mitigate the potential transference of this deadly virus that has timed this world into another rhythm. That does not however make this process any easier.

I am still grieving my aunt and uncle which I lost in successive years. The loss of my Aunt opened this year for me and I fear that the loss of one of my most dearly beloved family members is to end it. I am grieving, deeply right now. And here comes the second wave.

How do we learn to live with this “new normal”? How do adapt our ways of grieving? How do we show up for people when we cannot physically show up for them? These are just some of the questions I have been grappling with for the duration of this pandemic.

I know we have to do better. We have to learn to grow and evolve with these times and find ways to create connection and intimacy when physicality cannot be attained. We need to create safe spaces for us to grieve and mourn. We need to make time for ourselves to be soft and gentle with our needs, even those that we may repress. We need to cry, I need to cry. I have been crying on and off for almost a day now. I work in the field of tending to dying, death and grief. I also feel it. Sometimes daily. My own grief feels different, it has rougher edges, it cuts deeper, the scars remain pink and unhealing. Flashes of pain make me wince and whimper in the shadows of the daylight.

I have signed up for a class online to help me work through my grief and grieving process. I need to do something to help me physically work through the ebb and flow waves of grief that are washing into me. I hope this will help me to translate my pain into something beautiful. Today I will begin. If nothing else tethers one soul to another in this universe, it is that we each experience loss and death. We each have to learn to live with our grief of these losses. I find solace in knowing I am not the only one grieving. We all are. We each are grieving the many losses that are continuing to accumulate with this ever changing planet. I know I am not alone. I hope you too know you are not alone. Thank you for being part of this transition.

Until next time…xo.

Be Kind.